Moustaches

By: Cesar | August 1st, 2009

Today, the VCF Offside blog penalty shot will be taken by our good friend Thomas van Duin, also known as Johnnie Walker.

The pre-season stumbles along as Our Beloved get themselves in shape for the weekly grind come the end of August. I’ll be back shortly to annoy and give my slanted view of all things VCF. Until then, take it away Mr. Walker!! Enjoy!

Moustaches

Today it might be time to have a look at who we are dealing with in our never ending struggle for power within our beautiful club, Valencia Club de Futbol. If we look at these people, writing our club’s history with their own hands, we start with the pictures and videos we receive through the media. The things which have been most subject to interpretations and jokes are faces, bodies and hair. We humans have body hair, some more than others, some other colored than others. A very visible and decisive part of this is the facial hair, to those unknown to this phenomenon, most of us wear eyebrows for the comfort of expressing feelings or “to fit in”, with others going further adding sideburns to make a good impression on the ladies / men or to look better on non-frontal pictures.

But there are some who really take it to the edge… With a Moustache!! A moustache says a lot about a person’s credibility and facial expression, we tend to think. There are different types of moustaches; for one the Monopoly-moustache representing successful business and financial superiority, a second a Prussian moustache which represents imperial conservatism and the returning wars in middle-Europe. Or just a British moustache representing the fine gentlemen. Our club has seen 2 persons in recent history, though with other moustaches. First up being Juan “Hubba Bubba” Soler who came to power in 2004 with a short, full moustache, today representing utter mismanagement and financial bankruptcy, who gladly stepped down some 16 months ago from our clubs political stage.
But, the second Moustache to recently dominate our politics just entered the stage a month ago. It is the moustache of Victor Vicente Bravo, a longer, so-called Pablo Escobarian moustache, stylishly combined with a Miami-Vice suit and shady glasses! Representing Dalport Inversiones S.A., a cough-cough (I guess I’m getting ill…) investment company based in Montevideo, Uruguay, with supposed offices in and ties to Madrid, Valencia, Dubai, NYC, Metropolis, Gotham City, Sin City and Waterworld. His connections go that far that he even knows a few distant cousins of mine and can guarantee them millions of dollars for a drawing of a my 3-year-old niece, or so I’ve heard (which SHE WILL GET!!! Because he told me so!).

Dalport Inversiones S.A., everybody who hasn’t been living in a cave recently (Cesar?) has all known information about this company, or lack thereof. A “billion dollar” company, one of the top 35 in Spain, with over 28,5 billion USD in bonds from car manufacturer Ford (operating income 2008: – 9.293 billion, net income 2008: – 14.672 billion USD), but they’re also selling lingerie, electronics plus they shoot your dog if needed. I certainly wouldn’t wanna collect my money there, an opinion the Spanish Banks tend to share with me, since non of them are even touching the bonds, signed by some guy who spent 30 months in a US prison for bonds fraud back in 2006. Dalport claims to be a major investment firm, operating globally, having ties to governments and multinationals, though non of their operations are either registered or known in their respective countries. Before the end of June, nobody heard of the company except for Moustache Moneyman Bravo and his Valencian associate Vicente “Simple Jack” Soriano, major shareholder of our beloved club. Apparently Dalport gained control of 50,3% shares of our club, promising to buy them for a staggering 200 million Euros before the 30th July this year.

But as always things do not go as promised at our club. Kyle, our dear inside outside informant over at Crazy4TheMates.com has put it in his latest article, stating the supposed deadline of the 30th July was not complied with by Victor “Escortbar” Bravo, instead stating they will attend the general meeting on the 14th of September promising to buy half the shares in our capital increase. Remember we discussed pyramid / Ponzi schemes before after news broke out Bravo was said to be a fraud??? Well now it seems he made a nice pyramid of his own, as Kyle explains in his article there are 3 groups of shareholders: first the smaller shareholders, who promised their shares to the middle shareholders, promised that their shares would be paid before the 30th July 2009. But the middle shareholders promised their shares to Ssssssoriano. But Soriano hasn’t paid yet cause he hasn’t received a single euro from Bravo either. Now it seems that Soriano and Jabba Soler have a new agreement with Dalport on moving the date to October 2nd, further lengthening the vagueness and uncertainty amongst the fans. Also after it got revealed last Thursday that top-of-the-pyramid Vicente “Snake-Eyes” Soriano has thrown (guess what?) snake eyes and had to withdraw from the game, stating that he is no longer staying at Dalport Inn and will leave Vegas through the back door (not collecting 200 USD and hopefully going straight to prison?). What is right and what it true we can only guess.

So how will this end?? We, the fans (and Lillo ) have 3 options! Option 1: Get as much shares as we can as fans and force Dalport out as is possible in any public company. Option 2: see how this goes and expect Dalport to not comply with everything promised and thus never taking control in the first place. Or maybe they will buy us and all things will be happyyyy… Option 3 has a special name called Operation “Share / hold My Liquor”, meaning we will all get totally wasted on whiskey and tequila and forget this shit ever happened. Minor problem, the next morning the problem will still be there but at least we had a great time (combinations of options are possible btw)… In any case, we will have to remain very cautious (especially with the whiskey!) and never believe these fairytales without checking its background first. If someone promises to buy majority shares worth around 100 Million for 200 Million, promising to wipe our dept clean instantly and making all our dreams come true, beware my friends, it often isn’t what it seems. Sure, we’ll have to wait and see, but the shown incapability and unprofessionalism has shown already that these guys are not capable or running any company, let alone a public company such as our club.

So while I’m drinking myself to death trying to avoid the word “fuck” in this article (fuck now I did it…), I must go back to where I started; moustaches. To be honest, there isn’t the most informative story behind this article, just a thought and a word from a loyal Valencianista fed up with the Moustache-Mafia ruining our club but eh, some things have to be said! Cause moustaches are not to be trusted! Hitler had a moustache, Stalin had a moustache, Saddam Hussein tried to shave his but it grew back in 5 minutes, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AGAIN! Kim Yong-Il has a moustache in the morning, quickly removing it before going out for a glass of left-turning milk! Soriano when he was younger had a moustache as well (I found an old pic of him on the web). Bottom line, these are all bad men! I’d also say George W Bush had a moustache but I think he didn’t have enough testosterone to grow or brain mass to know hów to grow one but the important thing is, moustaches like our Victor “Ladyboy” Vicente are not to be trusted. Someone who looks like a criminal, acts secretly like a criminal and has no credentials like a criminal, usually is a criminal.

What ever happens to our club time will tell dear kids, we have a board who resists this takeover and is trying everything to avoid Dalport to enter Valencia. We must support Llorente & Co, support our team and support the idea of truth and honesty ruling our club over secrecy and deception. I mean Bravo isn’t even a real gangster, I had sex with his mom the other day and she told me he was a straight-A-student as he was 30 when we went to high school! I’d even rather have Pablo Escobar (RIP old buddy) buy the club cause at least we knew he had the money for sure! But back to reality. Our players deserve better, our club deserves better, but above all, we the fans deserve better! There is a price we pay for having such a wonderful club and that price is our never ending internal wars. But in the end, even with all these problems, there is only one Club de Futbol that stands out strong, shining a bright light over the Eastern shores of Spain, as we fans all shout as one: AMUNT!!!!!!

Cheers, Johnnie Walker

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